My Rock Star Ballerina

You wouldn't know it from looking at her, or even spending some time with her, but my daughter Justice has a hidden talent.  A secret identity if you will.  By day she is a rough and tumble, self-identified "tomboy", who wouldn't touch a frilly princess with a 10 foot pool and who thinks "pink" is a cuss word.  But, at night (or really at 4pm) she transforms into a...wait for it...BALLERINA!  Complete with tights, leotard and even a bun.

 

Well, technically it's 1/2 a bun, since the whole left side of her head is shaved off...

And believe it or not, she is pretty amazing.  She took her first ballet class because  she was basically forced to.  I will admit, it was completely my decision for her to enroll in Ballet 1 at ODC when she was 6 years old but back then it was pretty easy to convince her to do things. 

She really didn't enjoy it her first semester.  "It's boring" was a phrase heard many times and yes, when a beginning level Ballet class is sandwiched between Capoeira class and Afro-Brazilian drumming class, it is easy to see why she felt that way.  It moved slow, they spent hours pointing their toes, standing up straight and bending their knees.  She wasn't very inspired at all.  Then I got a job working at ODC and the girls' dance classes became completely free and there was no escaping the Ballet monster.  I stayed firm with her about staying in Ballet because of my own lack of dance technique.  Dance is a very important part of my life but not something I could ever do on a real professional level because I never took any technique classes.  I refused to stay in (or at times even try) any activities my mamas wanted me to do,  and let's just say that unlike Justice, I was not so easy to convince to do things...Anyways, in my old age I can now look back and regret all of the things I didn't allow myself to do and since I can't turn back the clock for me, I try to make sure my kids don't repeat those mistakes.

And in this case, I kinda feel like making Justice stick with it during that first year of "torture" was the right thing to do (dare I say it?!).  Once she got into Ballet 2, which even included an additional day each week of class, she started to enjoy it more.  It moved a little faster, she was making friends at the studio but, most importantly, it started to become very clear that she was pretty darn good at this whole Ballet thing.  The clean lines and flexibility came natural to her and with her long, lean legs she definitely looked the part of a full-fledged Ballerina.  She was so good that she even scored herself a coveted part in the Children's Chorus of ODC/Dance's Velveteen Rabbit production.  People definitely started noticing her and the truth is, no matter how old you are, it feels pretty awesome when people tell you that you are good at something.  She definitely deserved the praise she would get.  For the end of the year showcase for her Ballet 2 year (see video below), I was expecting your average 3 minute performance of which I had sat through many times before, but she stepped on that stage with a presence and elegance that I had never seen in her before.  She was so graceful and beautiful and seeing her dressed in all white with hair pulled back tightly was the first time I viewed my little girl as a young woman.  It was intense to say the least and turned me into a blubbering fool.  She was cast in very special roles for 3 consecutive years in the Velveteen Rabbit and advanced pretty quickly up the Ballet levels.  Last year, at 9-10 years old, Justice was in ODC's Ballet 3 class which meant she had class 3 times a week for a total of 5 hours a week.  She was loving Ballet more than ever and she had really started to embrace her "ballerinaness".  I would watch her running around at the playground or even playing video games and even in those "sloppy" situations she kept such a strong, elegant posture about her and it always brought a smile to my face especially when she wearing some dirty old sneakers and ripped up jeans.  But all of this wasn't without a price.  In 3rd grade she had to stop going to Salsa Band practice because it conflicted with her Ballet class schedule and in 4th grade she had to quit the soccer team she had been playing on since once again another day of Ballet had been added to her weekly schedule.  They were tough decisions for a young kid to make but there just weren't enough days in the week to do it all.

Finally, this summer, when it came time to start the tedious process of creating the girls' afterschool schedule of classes (which is an entire blog post in itself...coming soon!) it became apparent that it was either Ballet or nothing.  If she returned to her regular Ballet Class she would be going Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  That left no time to continue her Capoeira, no time to try new styles of dance she was interested in (Modern & Tap), no time for baseball and no time for drumming or trumpet lessons.  It suddenly became clear to me that Justice was going to only be a ballerina!  This is a SF girl, a raised in The Mission girl, who can throw a fast ball that will leave your hands red, do all kinds of crazy back flips and roll a sick Samba beat for hours.  The thought that she wouldn't be able to explore all of these other talents freaked me out.  

We deliberated for hours, days and weeks about which classes to take this year.  We tried to piece together all sorts of possible schedules, considered all the logistics, thought about what activities would help her get into the good high schools, the good colleges and even the good careers (yes, I am fully aware how bonkers it sounds that we are talking about a 10 year old here) but we finally decided that even though ODC offered us a generous scholarship, Justice would not take Ballet this year.  She instead would take 2 days modern rep classes as a part of Dance Mission's Jr. Grrrl Brigade, take 1 day of Ballet also at Dance Mission (a much different Ballet than what she is used to at ODC), go back to the youth Salsa Band she has played with (the amazing Los Chile Verdes), continue her Capoeira training (now in the "teen" level class) and take private trumpet lessons.  Whoo-Whee, I get tired even typing it all!  

I want to stop right here for a second to acknowledge that I am fully aware that this a problem of privilege and that I am grateful and appreciative that my daughters and I are even in the position to have to make these decisions.  All children deserve to have too many things that they love and are good at doing.

The decision was anything but easy to make and was only made harder when the Ballet Director of ODC herself sent us an email expressing her sadness that Justice wouldn't be dancing there and telling us that they all felt that Justice was the most talented dancer in her age group and had the potential to go very far in her career as a dancer.  Talk about adding fuel to the fire!  Even though we are a month into these classes, and Justice is loving every minute of everything, I still ask myself every day if we made a major mistake taking her out of Ballet.  Is Ballet what she was put on this planet to do and is taking her out at this pivotal year going to destroy her chances of becoming a Prima Ballerina?  Right now Justice is just saying that she is just taking a "break" from Ballet and plans to return to her full Ballet regiment at ODC next school year, but seeing how much she is excelling and enjoying these other activities, I don't know how true that statement will be come time to register for classes.

I worry about Justice entering these pre-teen years because I am all to aware of what happens to girls and their confidence and self-image at this age.  I believe that being involved in an art or sport at an intense level is essential to her navigation of these tough times and her ability to come out healthy and successful on the other side.  I want her to be so good at something that it opens doors, provides opportunities and allows her to go and experience places and things I have only dreamed of.  Really I could care less what that "something" is as long as it is "something" she loves enough to stick with.  Ballet was providing her with those kind of amazing opportunities and self-confidence, and I am scared that I just took that away from her.  On the other hand, maybe it is going to be the Trumpet or Capoeira or Modern Dance that really provides all this for her.  At only 10 years old, she seemingly has all the time in the world to try out all kinds of things as she works on forming her sense of identity but every time I look at her, in all her 10 year old glory, beauty and all around amazingness, I think of the day she was born and how recently it was when she was a little lump snuggled in my arms who couldn't even walk, time sure does seem to be moving at light speed...

I am probably WAY over-thinking this thing and might be bordering on obsessiveness (at least I'm not as crazy as those wakadoos on Dance Moms!) but this is my first born daughter and I am already so proud of and humbled by who she is that with all my heart all I want is to do right by her.  

I will forever be grateful for the amazing teachers and curriculum of ODC's Ballet program for what they have provided her with and whatever path Justice ends up taking she will be FIERCE.   Even though this tough talking, rough neck girl who beats all the boys in her class at Tether Ball would probably deny if asked about it, I know she truly loves being a Ballerina.  One day on our way home from the theater after a Velveteen Rabbit dress rehearsal (she would die if she knew I was telling you this), she leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "Mama, I really do like dancing because when I see myself I feel beautiful".  As long as she continues to do things that makes her feel beautiful, we should all be okay...

Maybe she will invent a new ballet-capoeira-modern-baseball-trumpet-drumming fusion style and blow us all away! 

God, I love being this child's Mama!